Catch the Heart
by Ron Dow75
Summary: A "Tales of the Naban Mirror"/"Rift Through Space and Time" story. Because of "Urusei Yatsura", Ranma has to protect Akane's heart from Happosai.


Tales of the Naban Mirror/The Rift Through Space and Time   
  
By Ron Dow75  
  
`  
  
Catch the Heart   
  
`  
  
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In an out-of-school dresses, Akane had one of her   
  
socked feet up against one of the inner hall's wall posts   
  
while she struggled to open living room's sliding door,   
  
"Open up! Come on! Come on!!"   
  
With his son right behind him, Mr. Saotome came in   
  
from dojo, "What's the matter, Akane?"  
  
The dark-haired Ranma said, "If it's the Freak you   
  
want, I don't think he's home." Despite having worked   
  
out, he was in one of his usual Chinese outfits.  
  
Still yanking, she yelled, "WHY would, I want,   
  
anything to do, with Happosai!!?! I'm trying, to get my,   
  
underwear back!!"   
  
"Oh?" And he bent down, "You have any on?"   
  
Embarrassed, Akane dropped her raised leg to the   
  
floor, and placed her hands down in front of her red   
  
skirt. Angry, she told him, "Yes, I do!! But he left me   
  
with only ONE set!"   
  
Ranma straightened up, "Why don't you just give it up,   
  
and wear GUY underwear. The Old Goat leaves mine alone."   
  
Genma slapped his son on the shoulder, "That's a step   
  
in the right direction, son!"   
  
Ranma turned on him, "I didn't say I'd let her have   
  
any of MINE!"   
  
Akane was really upset now; showing him the back of   
  
her fist, she snarled, "I am NOT going to wear guys'   
  
clothes!"   
  
"See, Pop!? She's enough of a tomboy as it is."   
  
Genma saw it coming, "Uh, oh."   
  
So did Ranma. He ducked. Akane missed. --But she   
  
brought her elbow back, striking him solidly on the side   
  
of his head.   
  
Ranma went into the living room through its thin   
  
plaster wall.  
  
Genma adjusted his glasses, "Well, I'll be. I would've   
  
thought the Master would have done something to keep   
  
others out."   
  
Soun came out of the family room, "Aa! My property!   
  
The Master's room! Everybody get away from there!!"   
  
Genma said to his old friend, "Aren't you a little   
  
curious about what he has in there, Soun?"   
  
Soun yelled, "No!! If it's the Master's, it can ONLY   
  
to be trouble!"  
  
Meanwhile, Akane had stepped through the hole, on   
  
Ranma and into the room, "I'm getting my underwear back!"   
  
Soun pleaded, "No, Akane! Kasumi will buy you more!"   
  
Nabiki said, "Now it's my turn to protest, Daddy. Do   
  
you have ANY idea how much is spent each month on just   
  
lingerie?" She was comfortable in her cutoffs and   
  
oversized shirt and halter.  
  
Akane was on her knees going through a pile of bras   
  
and panties, "At least Happosai leaves most of YOUR   
  
underwear alone!" The room was a pigsty. It wasn't just   
  
lingerie Happosai had lying about on the floor and what   
  
little furniture there was.   
  
Nabiki stayed on the other side of the hole, "That's   
  
because *I* have learned my lesson. I wear the ugliest   
  
bras and panties I can find. I leave the good ones in   
  
their wrappers and save them for special occasions."   
  
Soun cried, "Saotome!!"   
  
Genma went in through the hole, "You worry too much,   
  
Tendou!"   
  
Ranma yelled, "Stop steppin' on me!!" As he pushed   
  
himself up off the floor and hurled his pop clear across   
  
to the closed sliding garden door.   
  
Genma hit it as if it were made of brick not paper.   
  
Nabiki noticed, "I guess the old coot has taken some   
  
precautions against trespassers. At least from outside."   
  
Soun cried, "Trespassers! What if the Master   
  
returns!?!"   
  
There were so many bras and panties, Akane had to   
  
spend more time than she cared to finding the ones that   
  
were hers. "What if he DOES!! I'll stuff these down his   
  
throat until he chokes!" The pair of panties she was   
  
holding then, though, probably was so exceptionally silky   
  
it would've gone down too smoothly to choke him. In fact,   
  
they felt so good, Akane was tempted to put them on right   
  
then! "Grrr!!" she growled, "This room is filled with his   
  
PERVERSION!" And she flung them away.   
  
The panties landed against Ranma. Something told him   
  
he HAD to catch the darling. This was the kind of girls'   
  
underwear that gave him some idea of why the Master felt   
  
the way he did about girls' underwear. The lacy, silky   
  
purple precious just made you want to feel the lacy   
  
beauty next to your skin---   
  
"Oh, no! That's NOT gonna happen!" Ranma yelled,   
  
tearing it up. "I know he put a spell on this thing!"   
  
Suddenly Happosai appeared from out of thin air,   
  
"Ranma!! Can't a guy use the voyeur dimension in peace   
  
without--Aaa!! My special project!! Do you KNOW how much   
  
of my own energy went into weaving the spell that would   
  
teach you the joys of wearing lingerie!?!!"   
  
Ranma said, "I get it: I destroy something with your   
  
imprint on it, and its broken connection to you alerts   
  
you, even in that other dimension you hide out in! I'm   
  
gonna have to remember that!" The last was a threat.  
  
The evil master started twirling his long-stem pipe.   
  
The wind it stirred up started lifting the pieces of   
  
lingerie one by one from the pile Akane was kneeling   
  
beside. "Ha! I should worry! Your memory has already   
  
failed you: Lingerie can come in a set!!"   
  
Ranma realized what the Old Pervert was talking about.   
  
His eyes went from Happosai to the lacy, purple bra   
  
floating up towards him that looked like it belonged with   
  
the panties.  
  
Ranma tried to grab it. But the dust devil moved it   
  
out of his reach, again, and yet again. Time to use a   
  
different attack: He smashed a fist down on it. CRACK!!  
  
"Crack?? Since when does underwear break?"   
  
Akane wrinkled her nose, "Eww!"   
  
Happosai ran to the fallen garment, tears in his eyes   
  
already welling up. He dropped to his hands and knees   
  
over the VHS tape that had been underneath the bra. "You   
  
destroyed it! You big brute you destroyed the tape! Now   
  
I'll never be able to see again one of my favorite   
  
shows!"   
  
Ranma looked at the smashed tape under his foot. He   
  
asked sarcastically," "One of your favorites"? And what   
  
was on it, "Victoria's Secret Meets Frederick's of   
  
Hollywood"?"   
  
Happosai dropped to his knees in front of the remains,   
  
"No, that's in my safe. This was, WAS an "Urusei Yatsura"   
  
OAV!"   
  
Ranma says, "Lum? One of your favorite shows is about   
  
a girl who flies around in a tiger-striped bikini? For a   
  
pervert like you, that makes sense."  
  
It was Akane's turn to be disgusted, "It wasn't the   
  
episode where that girl who acts like a guy finds out the   
  
two fathers engaged her to a guy who acts like a   
  
girl!?!!"  
  
Happosai said softly, "No...it was "Catch the Heart &   
  
Goat And Cheese"." The thought of losing those shows made   
  
him shed a tear in mourning.   
  
His hand accidentally resting on the handle, not   
  
holding it, his tears fell on the surface of the mirror.   
  
A blinding, white light followed.   
  
///  
  
All caught in the brightness suddenly found themselves   
  
in darkness. It was the middle of the night. But it was   
  
an eerie, unearthly night. One that had a four moons.   
  
Genma was the first to speak, "I don't remember woods   
  
like these." They weren't the weirdest trees, bushes and   
  
ferns, but the odd light heightened their strangeness.   
  
Happosai laughed, "Ya, ha, ha, HA, ha! I know this   
  
place. And *I* remember the way back to Earth!" With that   
  
he rushed headlong into the heavy underbrush.   
  
Ranma yelled, "Oh, no, you don't!! You're not leavin'   
  
US stranded in the middle of---WHEREVER this is!"   
  
Akane cried, "Ranma! Don't leave me!" as he   
  
disappeared, too. Her father stayed by her side, helping   
  
her, while Genma made a wide path through the plants as   
  
they went after Ranma and the Master.  
  
Nabiki stayed where she was, "If you find the way   
  
back, let me know."   
  
And then she was alone on another planet. And getting   
  
bored.   
  
But it wasn't too long before she heard the dull, slow   
  
thuds of a drum. It sounded familiar. It was like   
  
something from a Japanese period show. But, no, it   
  
couldn't be. "What would a street vendor be doing out   
  
here in the middle of nowhere, how many light years from   
  
Japan?"   
  
When she found the one with the tambourine-like drum   
  
and padded drumstick, he WAS dressed up in a traditional   
  
costume of a Japanese street vendor. He even had the   
  
basket of what he was selling on his head. It was little,   
  
red bags of something.  
  
But he definitely wasn't Japanese, or even human. The   
  
best she could describe him was a red-eyed, white rabbit   
  
without the pink nose or buckteeth. (In fact he had NO   
  
nose or teeth. And the kerchief on his head hid his   
  
ears.)  
  
But the girl with the long, curly red hair he was   
  
talking to looked very human, right down to her girlish   
  
dress, and the picnic basket she held in the crook of her   
  
arm. " "Heart-stealers"?"  
  
The vendor answered her, "Yes, literally, candy that   
  
steals the heart. Give it to your love, and catch his   
  
heart when it pops out...and he'll be all yours. Here,   
  
it's at a special price right now."  
  
The idea filled the girl with delight. But her tone   
  
was anything but cute as she demanded, "Yes, yes, gimme   
  
that candy!!"   
  
The alien vendor gave her the small, red bag of candy   
  
he'd been holding and bowed, "Thank you. Perhaps you can   
  
tell others about my candy."   
  
Happosai bounded out into the clearing, and grabbed   
  
one of the bags from out of the basket on the alien's   
  
head. "Ya, ha, Ha! *I'LL* let others know about your   
  
candy!" And he bounced back into the woods, and out of   
  
sight, leaving only the sound of his laughter.   
  
By the time Nabiki had gotten to the vendor, he and   
  
the girl were gone as well.  
  
///  
  
It was morning on the other side of the tree, Soun   
  
Tendou told them. "See? I told you I could find the way   
  
back to Earth."   
  
On the alien night side, Akane put out her hand and   
  
saw it disappear as it crossed the ornate door's   
  
threshold. It seem too "Alice in Wonderland" for her   
  
liking.   
  
Ranma pushed the rest of her body through, "Come on!   
  
Don't be a chicken, Akane! If your old man will do it,   
  
YOU shouldn't be afraid."   
  
On the other side it did look very much like the world   
  
she was familiar with. And instead of a wilderness, it   
  
looked like a well tended park. On top of that the few   
  
people that were wandering around were speaking Japanese.   
  
The only thing strange was finding her missing sister.   
  
A little chilly, Nabiki was waiting on a park bench   
  
beside the tree, "It took you guys long enough."   
  
Akane went over to her, "How did you...?"   
  
"Happosai let me follow him. I almost didn't come   
  
until he flipped the switch and turned off the special   
  
effects straight out of "2001: A Space Odyssey"."   
  
Ranma had to ask, "The Old Goat is here!? We didn't   
  
lose him?!"   
  
Nabiki smiled, "I was beginning to wonder if he   
  
disappeared back into that space-time rift, or whatever   
  
it's called, to lead you out."   
  
Ranma looked at Mr. Tendou, "I knew it. HE made those   
  
sounds and trail marks."   
  
Soun grinned sheepishly. Genma had an idea, "We can   
  
WAIT by the opening, and ambush the Evil Little Gnome   
  
when he exits!"   
  
Nabiki stood up, "Aren't you forgetting something?   
  
Happosai brought us here, only HE can bring us back."   
  
Akane said, "What are you talking about, Nabiki? This   
  
is obviously Japan. In fact, I bet it's Tokyo!"   
  
Nabiki shook her head, "This is not OUR Japan. I read   
  
the papers I could find while I was waiting. The date is   
  
six years before our own. But more importantly, they are   
  
filled with stories about IFOs."   
  
Ranma asked, " "IFOs"? What're they?"   
  
"Well, actually they call them UFOs. But since   
  
everybody in this world knows who owns the flying   
  
saucers, I think calling them "Identified Flying Objects"   
  
makes more sense."   
  
Akane was starting to get the kind of cold chill she   
  
got when she was forced to watch an eerie sci-fi movie.   
  
"Who, who owns the, flying saucers?"   
  
Evil laughter preceded Happosai's leaping out of the   
  
spatial-rift tree, "You should be more concerned about   
  
flying CANDY!" And he flicked one of the little heart-  
  
shaped hard candies into Akane's open mouth.   
  
A hand sized, balloon-like valentine appeared over   
  
Akane's head.   
  
Happosai cried in glee, "Ha, HA! Akane's heart is now   
  
mine!!"   
  
Ranma grabbed the little gnome, "No, you don't!"   
  
Throwing him to the ground, he stomped him.   
  
The two fathers joined in. Soun told him, "Leave my   
  
daughter alone, you monster!!"   
  
Nabiki suggested, "Ranma! You'd better protect that   
  
heart from Happosai, before--"  
  
Happosai used his enraged battle aura to throw the two   
  
men off of him as if he exploded.   
  
Ranma, though, had retreated to cover Akane. "What's   
  
your game, this time Freak!?! Why've you brought us   
  
here?!"   
  
"Game? Yes, a game. --And the game is tennis!"   
  
Ranma said, "How about soccer, instead!" kicking   
  
Happosai high out of sight.   
  
Her arms crossed, Nabiki walked over to the engaged   
  
couple, "If you don't take the heart over Akane's head,   
  
Ranma, sooner or later Happosai will."   
  
Akane reached up for, "If the old creep wants it, he   
  
can have it!" But she couldn't get it. It moved this way   
  
and that way just out of her grasp. But it always wanted   
  
to return hovering in the same position over her head.   
  
"Oorr! What is WITH this is stupid thing!!"  
  
Ranma said, "It does look stupid."   
  
Nabiki said, "Very kitsch."   
  
Ranma suggested, "The Freak said something about   
  
tennis. Maybe you need a racket to get rid of it."   
  
Nabiki said, "Why don't YOU get rid of it for her,   
  
Ranma?"   
  
Ranma was suspicious, "Why do you want me to touch   
  
that thing? Why don't YOU?"   
  
Nabiki put her fingers to her upper chest, "Moi? Hold   
  
off Happosai?"   
  
Ranma sighed, "If the Freak wants it so badly, I guess   
  
I do gotta keep it from him." He reached out for it,   
  
"That is if *I* can get hold of it." He could.  
  
Akane's response was immediate, "Ranma, you IDIOT!"   
  
And she kicked him well over the spatial tree. Ranma lost   
  
his hold on the heart.   
  
Nabiki said, "Whoa! That's really not what I was   
  
expecting," as she watched the heart float back over   
  
Akane's head.  
  
///  
  
Ranma landed on top of Happosai.   
  
Getting up off of the little creep, he peeled him off   
  
the pavement. "Okay, Freak. You want Akane's heart, you   
  
can have it!" And he jogged back with Happosai to where   
  
they'd left Akane and the others.  
  
///  
  
Meanwhile, the two fathers had recovered. Genma asked,   
  
"What is this, Akane?"   
  
When he had her heart, Akane bowed to him before   
  
wrapping her arms around his broad middle while resting   
  
her head on his chest, "Oh, Mr. Saotome! Kasumi says   
  
marrying an older man is best: And now I KNOW what she   
  
means!"   
  
Nabiki said, "Now that's more like what I was   
  
expecting."   
  
Soun's long hair started to raise, "Saotome!! What are   
  
you doing with my little girl!?!"   
  
Genma said, "I'm not doing a thing, Soun: Honest!   
  
Look! See my hands?! I'm not touching her."   
  
His stomach growled, and Akane let go of her "older   
  
man". "Oh! You're hungry!" And she rushed off, the   
  
honeymoon smile still on her flushed face.   
  
Genma was as confused as everybody else, "What's   
  
gotten into her?"   
  
Nabiki told them, "It's that heart you're holding.   
  
From what I heard, anybody who has that heart has the   
  
person's emotional heart, too."  
  
Soun yelled, "You mean Saotome is holding my little   
  
girl's heart in his hands!?!"   
  
Genma said, "Surely, just by having this heart doesn't   
  
mean I have--"  
  
Akane came back pushing a meatless hot dog cart, "I'll   
  
have breakfast made right way, Mr. Saotome, Sweetheart!"   
  
Genma smiled, "Breakfast?! And I'm first in line?"   
  
Soun tried to get the heart, "Saotome, give me my   
  
daughter back her heart!"   
  
Genma kept it our of Soun's reach, changing it from   
  
hand to hand and back again, "She's a big girl, now,   
  
Soun! If she wants to give her heart to another---"  
  
"She didn't GIVE you her heart, you TOOK it!" And Soun   
  
punched Genma Saotome in his own heart. The shock wave   
  
that went through the man made him lose his grip on the   
  
heart.   
  
Soun grabbed the heart when it floated free. Akane   
  
cried, "DAD! Oh, Dad! Do you know how much I love you?!"   
  
She abandoned the cart and rushed over to him. She pushed   
  
him down to his knees by his shoulders, and started   
  
kneading them, "I know I haven't shown you how much I DO   
  
love often enough, Dad! From now on, I WILL do all that   
  
the proper, traditional, DUTIFUL daughter should do for   
  
her wonderful..."  
  
Soun could no longer protect his daughter's feelings,   
  
when he had feelings of his own, "Aaa! Please, Akane,   
  
your fingers, they are like steel! I'm not a, hard-packed   
  
practice dummy, (ow!) you can practice your techniques   
  
on!" He lost Akane's heart.   
  
Akane stopped when the heart drifted back over her   
  
head. She stood there for a moment, blinking and trying   
  
to figure out why she had done the things she had with   
  
Mr. Saotome and then her dad.   
  
Meanwhile, among the bystanders who were gathering to   
  
look was the hot dog vendor. He wanted a girl's heart of   
  
his own.   
  
He was too cautious. Getting out of Ranma's hold,   
  
Happosai got to the heart first, "At last! Akane's heart   
  
belongs to me!"   
  
Akane beamed, "Happosai! You're a MUCH older man than   
  
Mr. Saotome!" And she took a handful of uncooked soy hot   
  
dogs, put them in buns, and squirted all of the   
  
condiments the cart had on top. "Here, My Lord and   
  
Master! Breakfast is served!"   
  
Happosai cried, "Breakfast, for me? How thoughtful you   
  
are to the one who controls your heart!" And he leaped up   
  
and gathered them all in his mouth.   
  
But by the time he landed, he wasn't feeling well. He   
  
hit his chest as he tried to get out what he'd hadn't   
  
finished swallowing. He choked out, "Gnaagh! How,   
  
aw,ful!"   
  
Nabiki commented, "Leave it to Akane. It takes real   
  
talent to ruin hot dogs."   
  
Akane said, "Oh, Sensei-chan!! Forgive me! Let me get   
  
you something to wash those down with!" Nabiki stepped   
  
far away. Little sister was so anxious to do something   
  
for her lover, she had shaken up the can of pop.   
  
Pop-Svish!! The carbonated drink sprayed the little   
  
man turning blue with enough force push him over.   
  
Ranma walked over and looked down at the old goat. "He   
  
should know by now it's not safe to be around her." And   
  
he stamped down on the bug. The pieces of hot dog lodged   
  
in Happosai's throat came out, allowing him to breath   
  
again.   
  
Meanwhile, Akane's heart floated back towards her.   
  
Ranma snagged it, and, squatting, thrust it at the laid   
  
out creep, "Here! You want it so badly, you can have--"   
  
They were both touching it at the same time.  
  
Akane started tearing, "Ranma! How could you! I wish   
  
I'd never MET you!" She ran away crying. It seemed the   
  
artificial love only intensified how she usually felt   
  
about towards Ranma. This time, her sensitivity had been   
  
triggered, and she would act on it until something   
  
changed.   
  
Ranma said, "Aw, geez!"   
  
Soun, feeling the bruises in his neck and shoulders,   
  
told him, "Ranma, go after her! Akane's heart is YOUR   
  
responsibility!"   
  
Sighing, Ranma went after her, "Here, Akane!! You want   
  
your heart back, you can have it! Just don't be givin' it   
  
out!"  
  
Genma promised, "WE'LL take care of the Master for   
  
you!" stomping and hitting the evil man with all of his   
  
pent-up frustrations.   
  
Unnoticed to him and Soun, a little, red bag of candy   
  
was thrown out from under his jacket. But Nabiki noticed.  
  
///  
  
Ranma lost Akane when she left the park. Looking   
  
around, he asked himself, "What'd I do now?" There was a   
  
familiar question. He looked down at the heart in his   
  
hand. "Why'd you have to be so much trouble? I wish I   
  
could just let you go and...Hey, that's it!"   
  
He let go of Akane's heart and followed it.   
  
///   
  
A little later, back in the park: After she'd wiped   
  
her mouth with a napkin, Nabiki said to the hot dog   
  
vendor, "That meal was entirely adequate."   
  
The young man smiled at the really cute girl who had   
  
captured his heart, "Thank you, My Sweet Relish!"   
  
The two fathers agreed that the hot dogs did taste   
  
good, but worried, "How are we going to pay for them?"  
  
Nabiki gave her most charming smile and voice for the   
  
vendor, "You DID say everything was on the house, didn't   
  
you?"   
  
In a daze, the young man nodded, "Uh, hunh."   
  
Walking away, Nabiki told him, "Now, you stay here,   
  
hear? Your "sweet heart" will be back to you in a couple   
  
of minutes." After she was sure she was far enough away   
  
when the guy came out of his daze, she would release his   
  
heart and--  
  
Happosai had untied himself and gotten out of the rift   
  
tree without them knowing about it before it was too   
  
late. He snatched the bag of candy back and knocked the   
  
vendor's heart from her hand with his pipe.   
  
Nabiki cried, "Hey! I haven't gone shopping, yet!!"   
  
The vendor got his heart back, "Come back here and pay   
  
for your food!!"  
  
The two fathers said. "Uh, oh! Run, Tendou!!"  
  
Soun groaned, "We haven't had to do anything like this   
  
since we apprenticed under the Master!"  
  
///  
  
Keeping his eye on the wandering heart, Ranma said,   
  
"Oh, no you don't!" Using the length of insulated wire   
  
he'd snapped from a roll at a construction site he'd   
  
passed, he made a lasso and aimed it at the little, red   
  
nuisance.   
  
He got it.   
  
But no sooner was it tied up, than it came back   
  
towards him.   
  
He was about to set Akane's heart free when he saw   
  
her. And she saw him, "Ranma! You DO care!" Crying for   
  
joy, she came running, her arms out ready to hug him.   
  
Ranma said, "Aw, geez! It looks like it don't matter   
  
HOW far away I stay away from that heart of hers!" He let   
  
go of the lasso.  
  
Akane slowed to a halt as the heart hovered back over   
  
her head. "What was I THINKING??"   
  
A floating, little, green-haired preschooler in just   
  
striped yellow shorts came dog-paddling by. He took an   
  
interest in something else that up in the air with him;   
  
he pulled on the wire still wrapped around the balloon-  
  
like heart, "I never saw anything like this on Earth   
  
before."   
  
Akane got the same smile she got when she saw P-chan   
  
and pulled the little thing down into her arms, "Oh,   
  
aren't you cute!"   
  
Ranma saw that the boy had fangs like Ryouga, too.   
  
"Let go of the heart, and she'll let go of you, kid!"   
  
Akane had little fellow firmly pressed into her bosom,   
  
rubbing her cheek against his face. Smiling the youngster   
  
with the little horn sticking out of the top of his head   
  
said, "Girls are always doing this to me. Ten is a good   
  
boy!"   
  
Ranma glared, "If you're a "good boy", you won't play   
  
with somebody else's heart!"   
  
Akane warned, "Leave him alone, Ranma! Why do you have   
  
to always be jealous of the small and weak!"   
  
Jeriten frowned, "He reminds me of a creep I know:   
  
Moroboshi the Womanizer. He can't stand it when I get the   
  
girls and he doesn't!"   
  
Akane told him, "That's Ranma. He has a harem of   
  
'fiancées', but he can't stand seeing any of us with   
  
somebody else, the pervert."   
  
Ranma put his face in hers, "I ain't anything LIKE   
  
that!!"   
  
Ten opened his mouth and blew flames at the big guy   
  
trying to bully the girl. He was always on the side of   
  
girls.  
  
Ranma's hair and shirt caught fire.   
  
He ran around in circles for a moment, then rushed   
  
over to a fire hydrant. A mighty kick, and a fountain of   
  
water gushed out from where the hydrant had been.   
  
The small redhead who stepped out of it was angry,   
  
"Why you...."   
  
Akane held the boy she was cradling away, "Ranma!   
  
Leave this helpless child alone!"   
  
The burnt pigtailed girl cried, "HELPLESS!!?! Look   
  
what he did to---Gag-gulp!!" Ranma's reflexes felt it was   
  
either swallow or choke on the heart-shaped candy that   
  
came flying into her mouth.   
  
Happosai gloated as a heart that looked no different   
  
from Akane's appeared over Ranma-chan's head, "You're   
  
mine, Ranma! You won't mind wearing what pleases your   
  
lover, now, will you?!"   
  
But Ranma-chan and her heart had retreated. Stopping   
  
and getting in her stance, she was prepared to defend her   
  
heart, "I'll show you LOVE, you old goat! The same kinda   
  
love Akane showed me!"   
  
Happosai purposely kept his battle aura low,   
  
"Everybody does what they think their love would like to   
  
see. It's called a LOVE-sign. You KNOW what would please   
  
me!"   
  
Ranma-chan was really angry, now, "Akane thinks I   
  
WANNA be abused!??!"   
  
Happosai smirked, "Conditioned reflexes. Or don't you   
  
remember how Genma raised you?"  
  
Akane said, "You mean the more I yell at Ranma and   
  
physically challenge him, the more I remind him of the   
  
only family he's known? --No, I won't believe it!" Her   
  
mind had returned to Ranma because her grip because Ten   
  
had let go of the wire around her heart. But once her   
  
grip had loosened and he was up in the air, Ten had to   
  
take the wire again. While the humans had been   
  
distracted, he had made a lasso around the other end. Now   
  
he used it to snare the redhead's heart.   
  
Ranma-chan became like a giddy little girl playing at   
  
being a big girl, "He wants me! He needs me like a   
  
little-bitty kid NEEDS somebody to watch out for him!"  
  
Akane cried, "Ten, not you too! I don't want to have   
  
to share love any more!!"  
  
///  
  
Several blocks back in a local business district, Soun   
  
called, "Nabiki!! What are you doing!?! We have to catch   
  
up with Akane and Ranma!"   
  
Genma reminded him, "And don't forget the Master! He's   
  
the only one that can get us back to our world!"   
  
Soun practically snarled at him, "Now, YOU remember!   
  
You're the one who said we should tie him up and throw   
  
him through that tree we came through!"   
  
Nabiki said to them, "I'm not chasing after anybody. I   
  
saved out some of that candy so *I* would be the one   
  
being chased. And HERE'S a place to start: "Ye Gourmet   
  
Shoppe". I go in there with the candy, find some sugar   
  
daddies, and--"   
  
(But the vendor had caught up with her with his cart,   
  
"You emptied me out and didn't pay!!")  
  
Soun cried, "Oh, no! Not that!" pointing up the   
  
street.  
  
Genma said, "Well, we know where the Master is."  
  
///  
  
Happosai had projected his battle aura to giant size,   
  
and was yelling at Ten, "You little punk! Those girls are   
  
students of Anything-Goes--And I am their TEACHER!!"   
  
Jeriten made off with the girls' hearts, stringing   
  
them alone, "Lum will know what to do!" But young kid   
  
flew so toddling slow, there was little chance he could   
  
escape the monster.   
  
Ranma-chan responded to the challenge, "Leave Little   
  
Ten alone, you over-aged bully!!"   
  
Happosai picked up the girl in his huge mitt, "And why   
  
should I!?! What's in it for me?!"   
  
Ranma-chan's hands were free to stick them up near her   
  
face; she started to roll her head and cry, "If you do   
  
anything to Ten-chan I'll hate! Hate you! Hate you! Hate   
  
you! I'll never let you see me in underwear EVER again!!"  
  
Ranma dealt with her compulsion to show her love as a   
  
girl by putting his guyness out of sight. Anything that   
  
happened now he could justify as being because of the   
  
curse. This subconscious tactic completely threw Happosai   
  
for a moment.   
  
Akane called up, "Happosai!! How can we stomp you if   
  
you're THAT size!"   
  
His battle aura intensified again. He glared down at   
  
her, "I don't WANT to be stomped!! I'm not like Ranma!"   
  
Akane challenged, "Really!? Then shrink down and prove   
  
it!!"   
  
He did shrink.   
  
When he could no longer hold Ranma-chan, the redhead   
  
broke loose from him and ran. "I'll get to the kid ahead   
  
of YOU, Akane! He needs me more than he needs you!" she   
  
taunted. Ranma was sure that even in this world Happosai   
  
wouldn't hurt Akane. Of all the terrible things his   
  
mastery of the martial and arcane arts gave him the power   
  
to do to girls, he had never done any real girl as far as   
  
she knew. Right now, the magic made her more concerned   
  
about being Ten-chan's number one! "Ten-chan!! Wait for   
  
me, Hot-stuff!!"   
  
Happosai confronted Akane, "So, you think I'm going to   
  
let you trample me! Well, I have only one thing to say   
  
about that." He leaped, "Hotcha!!"   
  
Cringing, it took a moment for Akane to realize he had   
  
passed her by. Running, she looked back over her shoulder   
  
to see Happosai trying to interest the women in a store   
  
that advertised "Women's Nightware" in his candy. Whew!   
  
She'd lucked out. AND been insulted.  
  
///  
  
Ten made it to Tomobiki High School. What he found was   
  
more than just the usual chaos. The halls were filled   
  
with girls and boys and teachers hugging, and cuddling,   
  
and kissing other girls and boys and teachers...and   
  
babies and hens and cats, and just about anything that   
  
could hold the other's heart.   
  
"Lum, where are you?!" It shouldn't be too hard to   
  
find another Oni in among even a mass of humans. She had   
  
long green hair. Of course, since it was school time, she   
  
should be in her school sailor uniform, not--  
  
Lum found HIM, "Hey!! Ten, even you!?!" Startled, Ten   
  
let go of the two hearts he'd already freed from the   
  
wire.   
  
He felt like a naughty little boy as his cousin, old   
  
enough to have TWO horns, angrily interrogated him, "Have   
  
you seen Darling?!"  
  
"Nope."   
  
She flew off, "Oh, where did he go!?" She wasn't ready   
  
to hear about somebody else's problems.  
  
Ten took the two hearts floating near him. He quickly   
  
found out they WEREN'T the same two he had come in with.   
  
The two schoolgirls the belonged to looked at him for a   
  
moment, then burst into big grins. The brick-red-haired   
  
girl cried, "Oh, how cute!"  
  
The blue-haired girl agreed, "Wonderful!"  
  
"Just like a fashion model!"  
  
"Just like a stuffed doll!"  
  
And they both hugged him and kissed a cheek at the   
  
same time. Ten didn't feel like complaining. "Would you   
  
like to be treated to sweet treats?" he said, completely   
  
forgetting about the strangers.  
  
///  
  
When Ranma-chan got to the wrecked, whitewashed,   
  
wooden school it was surrounded by men in army-green   
  
uniforms with tanks, trucks, jeeps, and motorcycles, with   
  
helicopters and fighter planes flying over it. The emblem   
  
the division carried was a strange-looking octopus head   
  
with a white bandana around it. Ranma didn't remember   
  
yet, but this was the Mendou Family's Private Security   
  
Force, larger than Japan's own military. They made Kunous   
  
look like a pauper.  
  
Okay, she thought, there could be a logical   
  
explanation for why an army was called out to surround   
  
and occupy a high school. But what was with the   
  
elephants, giraffes, gorillas, and all the other zoo   
  
animals? If anything, they looked like they were under   
  
the same command as those surrounding the school.   
  
Suddenly a blast of light like a gigantic lightning   
  
bolt burst out the windows on the first floor. It even   
  
had the smell of ozone and scorched wood.   
  
Ranma-chan realized, "What if my heart had been near   
  
THAT!!?" She ran to make sure nothing would hurt her   
  
heart.  
  
A platoon challenged her, "Nobody is allowed to pass!"   
  
It didn't take her long to 'convince' them to let her   
  
pass. She DID, though, get some objections from the other   
  
soldiers. They used live ammo, but they apparently were   
  
under orders not to shoot to kill.   
  
Inside, where the blast had to have hit, she found   
  
soldiers. They were already recovering. Obviously the   
  
amperage, or whatever the resistance that killed was   
  
called, was low even though the volts had been high. All   
  
but one of the people in uniformed looked like veterans.   
  
The one was a guy her age with slicked back hair that   
  
didn't want to stay in place. Over his uniform he wore a   
  
pink, knitted sweater with five arms (if he was with the   
  
octopus division, shouldn't it have eight arms?). He was   
  
speaking to a wide, middle-aged man in a tan suit who he   
  
called his sensei. The teacher had a heart in his hand.   
  
Probably the guy's, because the boy said, "I, Shutaro   
  
Mendou, pledge eternal love to you, and I will serve you   
  
always, never to part from you." The teacher did not seem   
  
to like the kind of devotion the guy was declaring. He   
  
liked it even less when Mendou made it VERY public. The   
  
commander turned to his troops and ordered, "Greet him,   
  
all you!!"   
  
The company of soldiers dropped to their knees and   
  
kowtowed to the teacher, pledging themselves to him.   
  
Ranma-chan's trained senses felt her heart trying to   
  
find her from upstairs. She went for it. The closer she   
  
came to it the more she started thinking about boys. Boys   
  
WERE cute!  
  
///   
  
A guy with a big head and glasses was yelling at three   
  
other characters, "Traitors!! You should be court-  
  
martialed!! As members of the school-sanctioned "Lum Fan   
  
Club and Storm Troopers", you were supposed to get LUM'S   
  
heart!!" This guy was obsessed.   
  
A guy with a brown perm said, "But she was surrounded   
  
by Mendou's Men in Black! There was so many of them they   
  
filled up the hall! No one could get through them!"  
  
A large, wide guy said, "They each took turns holding   
  
Lum's heart." He wished he had had his turn.   
  
A small guy said, "But when it slipped out of their   
  
hands, she charred them to a crisp! They're like   
  
briquettes!"   
  
Glasses said, "So you took THOSE two hearts as   
  
consolation prizes!!? There IS nobody else but LUM!!!"  
  
Ranma-chan heard and tempted them with her sexiest   
  
voice, "So, what'd you rather have, hunh? This Lum's   
  
heart, or...Oo, mmm, my kisses?"   
  
Before Perm and Shorty had a chance to invite her to   
  
kiss them (and more), Glasses confiscated the hearts.   
  
Ranma's and Akane's hearts firmly in his own possession,   
  
he declared, "WE want Lum's heart!!"   
  
Ranma-chan smiled, her attitude changed with her new   
  
lover, "Oh, yeah! I just LOVE a guy who gives me a   
  
challenge. I'll get hers for you, and we can do the group   
  
thing!"   
  
///  
  
By the time Akane arrived, the soldiers had abandoned   
  
their weapons and were running or driving about chanting   
  
their dedication, "...Forever and ever, forever and ever   
  
and ever..." as they followed their teen leader in a pink   
  
sweater who was chasing an adult man in a tan suit.  
  
Even the zoo animals seemed to be demonstrating their   
  
devotion. Akane said to herself, "I wonder what would   
  
happen to those animals if I splashed them with hot   
  
water?"   
  
Another boy (a guy who looked to be an idiot with a   
  
bag of candy) yelled with big, dreamy grin, "My harem!"   
  
While a green-haired schoolgirl in horns yelled at   
  
him, "Darling!!"   
  
The red-haired Ranma leaped on top of the head of the   
  
guy and claimed the heart of the girl Akane now   
  
recognized as the Lum the Notorious. Akane was furious,   
  
"ANOTHER fiancée!?" She didn't WANT to share Ranma--No:   
  
share their boyfriend with yet another girl! Rrr!   
  
Conflicting motivations!  
  
Lum immediately sparked to the idea of loving another   
  
girl.   
  
A happily blushing Lum took a little device out of   
  
middy blouse and turned it on. Added to the fighter   
  
planes and helicopters in the air was added a tiger-  
  
striped flying saucer.   
  
While Akane and Ranma fought over Lum's heart, they   
  
were levitated up through the hatch that appeared under   
  
the UFO. Lum flew up to join them. Inside, she told   
  
Akane, who now had her heart, "Girlfriends exchange   
  
clothes!"   
  
Akane cried, "What!!?!"   
  
Lum went to a storage compartment, "I'm going to give   
  
you an insolated dress that will protect you from my   
  
energy. That way I'll be free to express my love!" It was   
  
one thing to give boys shocks, it was another to give   
  
them to girls.  
  
Akane let go of the heart, "I don't think so." Though   
  
Glasses controlled her heart, she had yet to talk to him.   
  
But Ranma-chan had; she took back the heart, "Lum, I   
  
want you to come with me and be with our boyfriend! He,   
  
me, Akane and you can make a happy harem together!"   
  
Sometimes Ranma-kun had thought being allowed to have a   
  
harem would solve all of his fiancée problems. (Except   
  
that he didn't WANT having to have all those girls around   
  
him.)  
  
Lum's eyes crossed, "A boy?? But I love a girl, now."   
  
Her finger found and pressed one of the many buttons   
  
around her.   
  
A massive, super-lightning bolt zapped out of the UFO   
  
and engulfed all of the school grounds and the   
  
neighborhood. Out of the still open hatch, Ranma and   
  
Akane could see that there wasn't a student, teacher,   
  
soldier or animal left standing.   
  
Lum smiled, "Everyone is unconscious! Now no one else   
  
controls your heart! We can be a commit our love as a   
  
couple!" Lum was steadfastly monogamous.   
  
But Ranma now had to reason to keep her heart. When it   
  
had floated back to her, Lum realized what she had almost   
  
done with a girl. The redness on her face this time was   
  
no flush.   
  
Ranma didn't like the idea of what had almost   
  
happened, either (Guys!! Girls! Guys!!!). "Those hearts   
  
are dangerous! We gotta get rid of them!"   
  
Lum sat down before a large screen, "I'll have my   
  
computer analyze the composition of the hearts and..."   
  
Ranma told her, "I got a faster way. I was able to   
  
rein in Akane's heart. I just need a way to do the same   
  
with all the others' out there."  
  
Lum smiled, "I know what! All we need to do is..."  
  
///   
  
After getting the bag of candy from the unconscious   
  
Ataru Moroboshi, Ranma-chan used her speed to race   
  
through the school and surrounding area among the   
  
unconscious people and animals. Powered by a super-  
  
science vitamin pill, she scooped up all of the hearts   
  
with a small force-field butterfly net, depositing them   
  
in a giant, floating net she pulled behind her.   
  
As a reward, Lum found Soun, Genma, and Nabiki with   
  
her UFO, and used the space-time rift to send them, Akane   
  
and Ranma back to their own world. They came out through   
  
the wall across from the Tendou stairs in the front door   
  
foyer.  
  
But unfortunately, their world's laws of physics were   
  
different enough not to allow the giant force field to   
  
remain stable.   
  
/// /// ///   
  
All of the Tendous and Saotomes were gathered, at   
  
last, in the family room. This included Kasumi, who was   
  
looking in delight at the hundreds of hearts that filled   
  
the house, "Oh, my, aren't they lovely! It reminds me of   
  
a Valentines Day party!"  
  
Soun didn't share her eldest's enthusiasm, "Lum said   
  
they would all be gone after about twelve hours."   
  
Genma eyed them, "I wonder what they taste like?   
  
According to Lum's friend, the alien boy she was dating   
  
kept changing into his monster form and eating the ones   
  
that popped over his head when she fed him the candy." In   
  
fact that was the cause of the whole disaster. In total   
  
frustration at not being able to capture the guy's heart,   
  
the girl with the long, curly red hair had thrown the   
  
candy at Lum without bothering to tell her what the candy   
  
did. It seemed Rei was Lum's ex-fiancé, and still wanted   
  
to marry Lum, not the girl.  
  
Nabiki stared sourly at the small can in front of her   
  
on the table, "I had the chance to make a lot of money.   
  
But THIS was the only thing I was able to bring back:   
  
Chocolate-covered ants. Some candy." She sighed, "Oh,   
  
well. At least I can sell it to Kunou-baby." Now that she   
  
was back in her own little world, she swore NEVER again   
  
to let herself think magic would work as planned.   
  
Ranma, on the other hand, WAS enjoying his lunch, "We   
  
got rid of the Freak! He's stranded on another world!"   
  
Akane realized, "Happosai!! My panties! My bras!" She   
  
rushed for the living room to retrieve her things.   
  
A few seconds later, they heard her scream in startled   
  
surprise. Ranma and the two fathers swam through the   
  
swarm of hearts to see what the problem was THIS time.   
  
Kneeling on the floor before some burning incense and   
  
chanting was the shortest, ugliest looking Buddhist monk   
  
any of them had ever seen. From what they knew of him   
  
from "Urusei Yatsura", nobody liked him. He gave   
  
EVERYBODY the creeps. Including them. And besides being   
  
everywhere where he shouldn't be, he lived for food.   
  
He stopped his spiritual cleansing of the room   
  
contaminated by the presence of the evil master to   
  
introduce himself, "I am one of Lum's acquaintances. My   
  
name is Sakurambou. Call me Cherry. You know it is good-  
  
luck to feed a monk, don't you?"  
  
The End 


End file.
